How Do I Address You?

There have been many questions from my international clients about how to address someone when you know their first and last name and perhaps if you do not know their name at all?

Let’s use the Smith family as an example. Their names are Mary and Jim Smith. We typically say the woman’s name first.

In the USA, we use our birth name first and our family (sir) name last (Jim Smith). If we switch the order when writing the name, we must use a comma to indicate so, e.g., Smith, Jim. We would not say it that way or write it in a greeting. This is used when you might be listing names. Let’s look at the differences when we address men, women, and children.

Addressing a Man

When we address a man, the formal way would be “Mr. Smith.” If you want to be more friendly or casual (you are a member of clergy or in a social situation), you might say “Mr. Jim.” You can always ask the person what they prefer. Do not call them by their first name (Jim) unless they tell you to do so.

Addressing a Woman

It is a bit more complicated for women. If the woman is married, you can say “Mrs. Smith.” If you are not sure, “Ms. Smith” would be appropriate; it is pronounced as “mizz.” “Miss Smith” is reserved for someone who is not married. Again, in a social situation, you might say “Miss Mary,” or children might refer to a teacher or parent’s friend as “Miss Mary.” It’s a bit more respectful and is more common in the Southern part of the US.

Greetings in Writing

When you write a greeting in a letter or email, you would either use the first name (Jim) or use a title with the last name (Mr. Smith). However, you would not use the last name only (Hi Smith).

When you address a married couple, you usually say the woman’s name first, “Jane and Jim Smith.” Then, you can refer to the woman as “Mrs. Smith” and the man as “Mr. Smith.” When you address an invitation, you can either say “Mr. and Mrs. Jim Smith” (more formal) or “Jane and Jim Smith” (more casual).

What if you don’t know the person’s name?

You can say “Ma’am,” “Sir,” or “Miss.” “Madame” is more formal and is not typically used in the US.  The use of words, such as “Mom,” “Mam,” “Mommy,” is reserved for your own mother.

For children, you can say “young lady,” “young man,” “little girl/boy”, but would not typically say “Hello child.”

If you are not sure what would be appropriate, the best strategy is to begin with a formal greeting and ask the person how they would like to be addressed. They can tell you if they want to be more casual. Never assume that you can use a nickname or informal name. For example, if someone’s name is “Robert,” do not call them “Rob,” “Robbie,” “Bob,” or “Bobbie” unless they tell you.

In summary, we want to respect the other person. We should begin with a more respectful version, and they can tell us if we can be more casual.

Please post any comments or questions.